Because I need to write this somewhere...

...although I probably shouldn't write it here, lol.  

God, this quarter has been the longest, strangest, most ridiculous quarter I've been through since I've gone off to college.  Something bad or tragic seems to happen to me every quarter, but this was by far the hardest on me.  All this stuff was happening at home, and with my boyfriend, and my classes....but none of that was really new.....it just all hit me so hard all of a sudden, and I just sunk into this severe depression.  I felt so worthless and hopeless and I started wavering between contemplating suicide (in all seriousness, for the first in a very, very long time), almost quitting school, almost drinking myself into a stupor......I couldn't bring myself to eat, because I didn't feel like it was worth it.  I couldn't sleep, I would sleep for like a half an hour at a time, sporadically throughout the night.

Strangely enough, I finally snapped out of it because of Mr. Z....I flipped out and was going to drop out of Intro to Games (which I miraculously ended up getting an A- in, lol, but I put a lot of work into my level)...and he sat and talked to me, and told me all these nice things, like that I'm a good student and I always work hard and he had faith in me getting it done.....and somehow it all just hit home, and I thought that maybe people don't see me quite the way that I see myself, you know?

So suddenly I was feeling more like myself, and I was determined to pass everything, and I sat down and tried to really evaluate everything.  And I decided to effect the only thing that had been depressing me that I really had any control over...and I broke up with my boyfriend.  And much as I hate to say it, I felt much, much, much better.

And then I realized that I really have a lot of people who really care about me, who I push away so often when I'm feeling insecure.  And one person in particular that I care about....so much....was really there for me this quarter.  And when Mr. Z snapped me back to myself, this guy was there to pick up the pieces and put me back together.  He makes me so happy, and I'm crushing on him so badly now, and I feel like a little schoolgirl...I just want to tell everyone that this guy is amazing....and I'm so worried that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do for him......and now I have this whole break to worry about what it's going to be like between us when I come back.

Grr, all I wanted for a while was to be away from school, and now it's my summer break and all I want is to go back and see one person, who I can't even call right now because he's in North Carolina and it would cost him too much. *exasperated sigh*  I can't even worry about getting my stuff together for next quarter and PrePort....I don't even care about my reel or anything right now.....I just want the comfort of being with this guy...I'm so afraid that he's never going to talk to me again...

I'm going to have to use this break to try to feel strong again, and not be so fucking weak and vulnerable like I'd sunk to these last few weeks.